Chris "Oakus Pokus" Oakley
Name: Chris Oakley
Nickname: Oak, Oakus Pokus, Oakey Dokey, Foo Chow.
Height: 6'5"
Career highlights: Currently on pace to break league record in
"relax monkey" quotes.
Strengths: Easily the most talented at being tall. Dazzles the crowd with
an array of "travels" and other violations of the rules. Has been
referred to as a "huge c*nt" by opposing teams' players.
Weaknesses: Struggles when trying to be shorter. Working on the
behind-the-back dribble.
Personal History: Like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Shaquille O'Neal before
him, Oak mixes Kung Fu with Basketball, to hilarious results. Look
out for less teams playing, and more people coming to watch, the comically
violent side show that is, Oak-Fu. Interscope records will NOT be releasing his
rap album, later this year. Or ever.